This may be a rather odd title, but the story bears telling. When our daughter was 3 or 4 years old, we went to a large indoor crafts fair at the Fair Grounds. The space was huge and filled with booth after booth of wonderful handmade things. As a small child, she was mesmerized and, of course, found numerous things that attracted her eye: paintings, glass, furniture, and on and on. To help her focus and stop requesting everything that she saw, her father told her that if she found an aardvark he would buy it for her. Now, this was a pretty safe deal as none of these craftsmen were likely to have an aardvark.

She was now laser-focused, and we could enjoy browsing. As we oohed and awed over many different things, she politely went about requesting an aardvark at each booth. Then we came to a booth with a variety of stuffed animals, but thankfully, no aardvarks on display. Just when we thought we would skate free, our daughter politely asked the vendor if she had an aardvark. With a look of surprise and shock, the woman asked why in the world would she want an aardvark. Our daughter proceeded to explain the contract. “Ahh,” said the vendor. Then, she bent down, and from under the front table, she pulled a large 5-foot-long aardvark! There it was! A stuffed aardvark. I love my husband, but here, I truly admired him. True to his word, he bought a very large and very expensive aardvark!

How we treat our children is critical. Keeping a promise and fulfilling a contract is an act of pure respect. There was no waffling or backpedaling. The deal was done, and the aardvark had a new home.

What are your aardvarks? When have you made promises and then tried to back away, or compromise or just flat-out refuse? We often think, that we can renege on our promises to children in particular. They are small. They are young. They will get over it. They are not likely to remember. WRONG! Too often, children are dishonored. Then, for some reason, we are disappointed and irritated when they do not listen or follow our direction. The relationship with a child is critical. As we honor our promises, we show them that being trustworthy is important. We show them that being connected is important.

In my work, I often see the dynamics between parents and teenagers. They come into the office when the parents have exhausted all their other options. The parents complain that their teen will not listen to them and easily breaks rules, and escalates to doing things that are risky and dangerous. I see the pain and fear that the parents are experiencing, and I know that this dynamic did not start in adolescence. This present dynamic has a history to it. So, I begin to look for the “missing aardvark”. Invariably, one exists, and often, several of them exist. The parents have not given these earlier dynamics any weight. After all, the child was just young, and why would a promise or agreement need to be honored? What if it was inconvenient? Or perhaps it was just too expensive, just like the aardvark. Our relationships with our children, just like our relationships with adults are cumulative. How we treat our children accumulates. The defiant teen is not an anomaly. Mom and Dad have been working on this over time. Repairing the damage is difficult. It would have been so much easier just to buy the aardvark to begin with.